States and Stages – Growing Old vs. Growing Up

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“The least of things with a meaning is worth more in life than the greatest of things without it.” – Carl Jung

Do you know any 20-somethings – at work, at home, at play – who are “wise beyond their years?” Not intellect, intelligence, book knowledge or trivial facts. But in their orientation to, and perspective about, life and living. Conversely, do you know any 40-somethings, 50-somethings, 60-somethings or 70-somethings who are childish (not child-like) in the way they approach life and living, i.e, psycho-emotionally behaving like children?

Stages – phases of adult life
Developmental psychologists and anthropologists often view life as a series of developmental stages – characterized as turning points where opportunities or pivotal moments present themselves – opportunities for growth. The stages are chronological: 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. Generally, folks in their 20s may come to view life and answer life’s questions from a different perspective from folks in their 30s; folks in their 60s may come to view life and answer life’s questions from a perspective different from folks in their 40s etc. So, depending on what life stage or phase one is in, one may respond differently to questions like:

• What do you love about your work?
• How aware are you of your motives for acting and interacting?
• Are you aware of your deepest fears, motives and impulses?
• Who are you?
• Why are you on the planet?
• Are you a trusting and trustworthy individual?
• How do you demonstrate trust, trustworthiness and integrity?
• What causes you to act counter to your values or your heart?
• What do you get from relationships?
• What is your relationship to money?
• What are you doing with your life, and why?
• Is this all there is?
• What should you do with your life now?

From a spiritual perspective, individuals in the early stages of life often create a “false self” – a self based mostly on “externals” – a self that is caught up in the “packaging” of one’s self, ego needs for control, recognition and security, a self that lives life more unconsciously, robotically, instinctively and according to reactive, unconscious habits and patterned ways of do-ing and be-ing.

While the answers to such questions are often based on the particular stage one is in, they are equally based on the “state” (level of consciousness) one is experiencing as well – the reason a 20-something can be “wise beyond her years” and a 60-something can behave (psycho-emotionally) like a 6-7-8 year old. (“Stop acting like a child!,” “Grow up!”- we sometimes say to an “adult.” )

States — phases of consciousness
So, along with the chronological stages that appear at 20, 30, and 40, etc., there are the conscious states that accompany the stages. As one grows older, one can move from a “false self” to a place where one is conscious, truly conscious, about “be-ing” – as a a son, daughter, father, mother, friend, colleague, mentor, wise person, benefactor, and/or one’s True and Real Self.

Stages cannot be juxtaposed; they are not malleable or transferable; however, states can occur at any time, during any stage.

From a more psycho/emotional/spiritual perspective, the degree to which one “matures” as they progress through these life stages depends on how “conscious” one is during the transitions, i.e, what conscious “state” they are experiencing – i.e., how in touch one is with one’s heart, core values, emotions, feelings and life purpose; to what degree one is self-reflective and aware of “who one is” and “how one is” in living life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – a consciousness that comes not from “external drivers” but from an intuitive, guided, truthful, loving and universal sense from within.

So, for each of the questions, above, the initial answer is: “It depends.” It depends at which stage one is and what state one is experiencing.

We can also “grow” through “stages of states of consciousness” – our consciousness itself can grow and mature – moving from ego-centric, for example, to ethno-centric, to world-centric, to cosmic-centric and beyond. The move through the psychological “stages of conscious states” is also developmental – one follows the other; they are sequential.The important point here is that “states of consciousness” can be experienced during any and all stages.

So, this is why, generally, folks in their 20s may respond to the same questions differently from folks in their 30s; folks in their 30s differently from those in their 40s, etc.,

Becoming conscious
States of consciousness are accessed through spiritual practices – e.g., meditation or prayer; physical practices like martial arts, Tai Chi or yoga; or through the “sacredness” of art, deep intimacy, sexuality, and relationships.

The stage-state dynamic is the reason different folks interpret the same “reality” – event, circumstance, person, or place – differently; it depends on their state when they do the interpreting.

Each of the questions, above, will generate responses depending on the (psycho/emotional/spiritual) state of the one inquiring. Looking at the questions, “Is this all there is?,” or “What should I do with my life now?,” the person in their 20s might answer with, “Heck, I’ll just have to try a different drug;” the person in their 40s, “I’ll just have to try a different spouse/partner;” the person in their 60s, “I’ll work for the good of humanity instead of just for myself.”

Psycho/emotional/spiritual growth is about finding a connection between where one is in the course of their life (stage), the issues they’re facing and the psycho/emotional/spiritual state where one is. A highly “conscious” person may very successfully deal with and resolve issues in their 20s whereas an “unconscious” person in their 50s or 60s, may still react to life’s issues and challenges as they did in their 20s with no appreciable resolution – having grown “old,” but never “up” – aged but not matured emotionally, psychologically or spiritually. Such folks often feel “lost” and meander, stumble, grope, and flounder through life and relationships.

When we understand the nature of stages and states in life, we are more able to experience a true sense of well-be-ing in whatever life stage we happen to be in. The opposite is also true. Many folks unsuccessfully navigate the various stages in their life as they have never become conscious, or self-aware of their state.

When we ask these questions from a deeper level – exploring the truth of our “stories,” our rationales, our assumptions, our premises, our reactions, judgments and worldviews – we are reflecting at a higher level of consciousness. As we consciously and honestly reflect on how we typically move through our day – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – we use our heart and body’s inner wisdom and intelligence and open up to higher states of consciousness. From this place we are more able to live a life of balance and harmony, a life that is inner-directed, a life that is characterized by wisdom and maturity – not years.

Such is the difference between “growing old” and “growing up.”

“There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each.” –  Anais Nin

Some questions for self-reflection:

• How old are you, chronologically?
• How old do you feel you are emotionally? What would others say if you asked them?
• Is you life at work, at home, at play and in relationship authentic and inspiring? If not, why not?
• Do you experience meaning, passion, and purpose in your life? How so? Why do you get out of bed in the morning?
• Do you have a spiritual (i.e., not religious or theological) practice focused on self-inquiry, curiosity?
• What are your five most important values? Do you lives these values in your day-to-day life? How so?
• Are you truly happy or do you strive and effort to live the appearance of happiness?
• How self-aware (vs. being habitual, robotic and reactive) are in your day-to-day interactions?
• As you grow older, are you growing up? What’s supporting you to grow up? How so? What have you been witnessing or observing about yourself in your growing-up process – mentally, physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually? How so?

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(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Are you “shoulding” all over yourself?

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“Guilt is defined as internalized anger over perceived and unwanted obligations.” – Lloyd J. Thomas

Do you walk through life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – “should-ing” all over yourself? Do you feel overwhelmed consistently carrying the burden of “I should?” Do you notice how feeling guilty all the time leads to feelings of resentment, frustration or anger – whether or not you do what you think you should? Either way you lose – guilt remains. “Shoulding” never results in experiencing inner peace or well-be-ing – ever.

The underlying self-defeating message of “shoulding” is “I’m supposed to live up to my own or someone else’s expectation or demands – a parent, a relative, a friend, a cultural norm, a media mantra – that somehow I need to live my life do-ing or be-ing in a way that demands “I should.” The self-defeating aspect is that, consciously or unconsciously, “shoulding” keeps one in a consistent emotional state of emotional reactivity.

Stop “shoulding” and start “choosing”
“A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction.” – Rita Mae Brown

The antidote to “I should” is “I choose.” Changing our internal script from should to choose fosters empowerment and ownership – we are in charge, in control. The energy of “choice” is empowering and freeing – even if I choose not to be or not to do. Choice lifts the burden of guilt. I am indebted to no one. Our inner judge and critic that wags its finger and shakes its critical and judgmental head when I don’t do what I should is now silenced. Freedom and lightness arise. We can breathe deeply.

Consider:
I choose to get started on that report. I choose to ask a friend/colleague to lunch. I choose to leave early to attend my daughter’s dance recital. I choose to live a lifestyle that makes me happy. I choose the marriage ceremony that I want. I choose to walk for half an hour. I choose a profession that is meaningful to me. I choose social activities that energize me and support my values. Choices – my choices. I’m consciously choosing to take charge of my life.

The freedom that comes with making my own choices allows for two responses:

1. No. I consciously don’t choose to do/be that in this moment. I can choose to do/be at a later date, or maybe not at all. And that’s perfectly OK. I’m the master of my life and I make the choices I want to make.
2. Yes. I consciously choose to (do/be) and I also know I’ll feel better – if not in the immediate moment, at least afterwards.

When I choose, I am in charge; I am strongly grounded in my decision and I have the power to make that choice. I feel empowered; I am not a victim. I’m not living according to my own or anyone else’s “programming.” I’m conscious and awake in my choosing.

“The more I give myself permission to live in the moment and enjoy it without feeling guilty or judgmental about any other time, the better I feel about the quality of my work.” – Wayne Dyer

What “shoulding” can teach us
If you live life enmeshed in guilt – consistently telling yourself “I should,” now is the best time to inquire into why you live in a prison of guilt. When you increase your level of self-awareness (understanding why I’m living this way) you increase your capacity to live life at cause instead of at effect. When you live life at cause, you are in charge, in control; you choose. When you live at effect, you are reactive, living like a puppet whose strings are controlled by some belief, person or force that tells you how to do, be or have. You’re a victim.

So, here’s an exercise that can support you to free yourself from the “prison of should” and take charge of your life, to live at cause:

• Explore your beliefs (“shoulds”) around an area of your life (e.g., career and livelihood, intimacy and partnership, personal and spiritual growth, friends and family, health and wellness, personal environment and organization, abundance and finances, play and recreation). List some of those beliefs (shoulds).
• As you explore these beliefs, observe, watch and witness how you react when you say each belief aloud. What happens in your body? What feelings, emotions and bodily sensations do you experience? What are your breathing and heart rate like? Your posture? What self-judgments come from your Inner Judge and Critic?
• How has your behavior been programmed by this belief?
• What might happen if you choose not to follow this belief? How does your body feel, what feelings or emotions come up? Do you feel guilty? Is there someone else’s voice underneath this belief that is telling you, “Hey, you should do/be this way?” Whose voice is it? Do you feel guilty if you even think about not obeying this voice? Why?
• What would happen if you made a modest test and chose to not follow this belief, to act against this particular “should” today, this week, at this event or in this circumstance?

This practice can support you to become conscious of “who I am” and “how I am” in my life – at work, at home, at play and in relationship – how you live habitually and reactively and not from a place of conscious choice.

Consciously doing this exercise can give you invaluable information about you self. Knowing what makes you tick and behave the way you do can support you to make conscious, healthier choices and give you greater control of your life – reducing and eliminating the “programming” that has run your life. When you stop “shoulding” on yourself, you allow your mind, body and spirit to take a deep breath of relaxation and engage in life with a heightened sense of empowerment, control and well-be-ing.

Some questions for self-reflection:

• Do you feel guilty much of the time? What “should” causes you to feel guilty? What would happen if you “chose” to act differently? How so?
• What beliefs about life make you feel guilty, angry or resentful? What “shoulds” are involved? Whose “shoulds” are they?
• What beliefs or “shoulds” cause you guilt around food, exercise, family, friends, work, finances, organization, and other areas of your life? Why?
• What commitment or promises have you made that cause you to feel guilt or fear? Why did you make these commitments? Were you acting at cause or at effect?
• Do you go along to get along at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Does this behavior bring you happiness and inner peace, or guilt and resentment? Why?
• Can you choose to banish the word “should” from your vocabulary for one day, or one week?
• Was “you should…” a familiar refrain when you were growing up? Have you brought childhood “shoulds” into your adult life? How so? Do they lead to inner peace, harmony and well-being or to fear, resentment and guilt?

“Guilt is anger directed at ourselves–at what we did or did not do.” – Peter McWilliams, Life 101

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(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com

You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering

Touching Up Your Photo – and Reality

Speaker page,  Facebook Page, Becoming a Better You book page

“Those who would preserve the spirit, must also look after the body to which it is attached.” – Einstein

Many countries require manufacturers to place health warnings on tobacco and alcohol products, and on processed foods containing genetically modified ingredients.

A recent news item points to the French government’s campaign requiring all photos appearing in advertisements, on product labels and on campaign posters to show a warning if they feature a photograph that’s been digitally enhanced.

Of course, the advertising industry is beside itself arguing that such rules undermine the attraction of “perfectly photographed people.”  Many advertisers could care less that confusing an enhanced photo with the real thing is misleading. Those supporting the new rules want warning labels to say something to the effect, “Image retouched to modify the physical appearance of this person.” A fine would be imposed for violations.

So, what about me? The deeper question
OK, so we’re being taken for a ride by the advertising and marketing industries. We’re pretty much aware of that. However, the deeper question is, “Who am I taking for a ride by the image I put out to folks?”

What image do I want folks to have of me and is that image my True, Real and Authentic Self? Or, am I altering and enhancing my own image to persuade the world that I am who I’m not? Here are four short scenarios around “self-enhanced” images. See if any resonates with you:

First, physically. How do I dress and carry myself? Am I enhancing myself in some way? What do my clothes, my accessories, and my posture say about me and how does this image sync up with who I am inside? What kind of persona am I trying to project? And why? Am I appearing successful when I’m not or unsuccessful when I am? Am I “puffed up” when, in reality, I feel lost, unsafe or insecure?

Second, mentally. Do I enhance my image by projecting a walking “Trivial Pursuit” persona, a know-it-all, a faux intellectual who is always spouting facts and others’ ideas but who never has an original thought of my own? Do I use my intellect as a shield against allowing others in?

Third, emotionally. Am I projecting a happy-go-lucky persona when, inside, I am unhappy, sad, depressed, angry, jealous or ashamed? Am I projecting a quiet, silent-type, a “go-along-to-get-along” accommodating persona when inside I disagree, or want to have my voice and be heard?

Fourth, spiritually. Do I project a chameleon-type personality, espousing others’ values and causes, even when they go against my inner Core Values? Do I engage in the art of the “put-down,” gossip or bullying even though deep down I know it’s inappropriate?

False expectations and living in a parallel world
“The gentlemen in Berlin are gambling on me as If I were a prize hen. I don’t even know whether I’m going to lay another egg.” – Einstein

Enhancing our own image is based on false expectations – I’ll gain acceptance, recognition, approval and love by projecting the enhanced version of “me” – expectations that at some point will lose their allure, their luster and, in the end, reflect the unenhanced “me.” How will I react when that happens – if it hasn’t happened already?

Living a daily life that is more a minute to minute, hour to hour, person to person conflict between my expectations and my reality is the basic source of unhappiness. Not only that, living the enhanced life is exhausting – mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The enhanced version and the negative
While the French legislators would impose prison terms and fines for people who promote and encourage this digital enhancement, what consequences do you experience from putting out a persona that promotes an unreal and fake you?

Choosing to be “enhanced,” rather than authentic and real, we never get to work on ourselves, never get to mature and develop, never get to forward the action of our life – experience true and meaningful self-fulfillment. And, sadly, the enhanced version says, deep down – and we all know it – “I” don’t exist. “Dead Man Walking” is the title of a once-popular motion picture. Isn’t that who we project when we enhance our “photo” and present it to the world as “me?” And, is Dead (Wo)man Walking the title of the enhanced image that reflects how you live your life?

Some questions for self-refection:

• In what ways do you allow your True and Real Self to show up? And how do you suppress your True and Real Self through enhancement?
• Would your spouse/partner, co-workers, colleagues and friends describe you as being an “authentic” person?
• Are you aware when you are “enhancing” your image? What does enhancing your image get you? How so?
• Do you ever long to be “real” with anyone? What prevents your real-ness? How so?
• What was being “real” like when you were growing up? Were you around “real” people?
• Do you ever give away your power, your voice or your real-ness? Why? And how does that make you feel?
• Can you envision a world where folks are real and there’s no need for “enhancing” one’s image?

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(c) 2018, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. and True North Partnering. All rights in all media reserved.

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share this reading with you and I hope you find it insightful and useful. Perhaps you’ll share this with others, post it on a bulletin board, and use it to generate rich and rewarding discussion.

What is the one thing that is keeping you from feeling successful, happy, confident, in control or at peace as you live your life – at work, at home, at play or in relationship? Maybe you know what that “thing” is…maybe you don’t. You just have a feeling that something has to change, whether or not you embrace that change. And how would that change support you to show up as a “better you?”

I’m available to guide you to create relationships that reflect honesty, integrity, authenticity, trust, and respect whether at work or outside of work. I support you to focus on the interpersonal skills that enable you to relate to others with a high level of personal and professional satisfaction – unhampered by personal inconsistencies, beliefs, “stories,” and behaviors that create barriers to a harmonious, pleasant, conscious, compatible, healthy and productive relationship.

I coach by phone, Skype and in person. For more information, 770-804-9125, www.truenorthpartnering.com or pvajda(at)truenorthpartnering.com
You can also follow me on Twitter: @petergvajda.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TrueNorthPartnering